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In some cases I guess you could say I am happy being sad.

I've come to accept my feelings as a part of who I am. I am almost comforted by the fact that every time I get a second alone I will bawl and bawl until i hear keys jiggle in the door. I am used to my chest hurting from thoughts of being alone and unwanted and relishing in the heartache until someone comes around to snap me out of it. I would rather duck and scamper away in the cafeteria to avoid seeing someone I know simply so I can have a melancholy lunch by myself.

The thought of completely emerging out of my depression is actually terrifying to me. For whatever reason I feel attached to my thoughts of death, attached to the dull pain in my heart, attached to loneliness. Maybe this is simply another symptom. I feel twisted, and crazy, and full of so much malice but I like it because it's the strongest emotion I have to hold onto and I feel like it's me. Who knows who the medication will turn me into

How can the person who brings you all the joy in the world also be the same person to leave you feeling so hollow? The person you want to snuggle up to when you're sad despite the fact that they caused the sadness you're enduring. How can you feel so alive with someone but also feel like a corpse with them?