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In some cases I guess you could say I am happy being sad.

I've come to accept my feelings as a part of who I am. I am almost comforted by the fact that every time I get a second alone I will bawl and bawl until i hear keys jiggle in the door. I am used to my chest hurting from thoughts of being alone and unwanted and relishing in the heartache until someone comes around to snap me out of it. I would rather duck and scamper away in the cafeteria to avoid seeing someone I know simply so I can have a melancholy lunch by myself.

The thought of completely emerging out of my depression is actually terrifying to me. For whatever reason I feel attached to my thoughts of death, attached to the dull pain in my heart, attached to loneliness. Maybe this is simply another symptom. I feel twisted, and crazy, and full of so much malice but I like it because it's the strongest emotion I have to hold onto and I feel like it's me. Who knows who the medication will turn me into