3/28/11

Remember when I thought we were in love?
An eye-opening season for us both.
Or perhaps that too was a dream.
Silence and warmth surrounded us.
Sheltered by each other's bodies.
Molding and forming to perfection.
And to part was painful.
But soon it became grim.
The darkness rolled in so quickly
Like a storm
Dissolving the sugar from our lips.
Forgetting what was once so sweet.
Replaced with bitterness.
Some days I gnash at the though.
But others I sink into the former bliss.
Look

That's it-

"It's not that I hate you,
I never loved you enough to hate you"


Jaymay, i'm glad I discovered you.

Desperation, my ass.

Self control for days, baby.
You did this yourself.

It's so dangerous for me to be awake past midnight

Volatile thoughts enter my mind and I do impulsive, drastic things. Some things I'll regret and some things I know I'll probably be proud of. Sending you that Facebook message though... I regret it already

I talk out loud like you're still around.

I disgust myself a little

tread carefully
trust sparingly
love willingly

I like making you mad.

I take great enjoyment out of it because I think it's funny.

And I know you won't hit me like you hit them.

So I keep on doing it.

i wasn't lying that one time

I am doing my best not to enable this.. but boy is it tough

I'm not making it easy this next time around.

Can we just make everything easier and allow me to be the only one fucked over in this situation? I mean it. I don't want anyone to hate me for something so stupid. She is in love with you as I once was, and you're treating her the same way you once treated me. Going back to you would be a huge mistake at this time in my life. And there are so many alarms going off inside of me, and a list of reasons reaching to neptune to tell me to stay away. But you make it so goddamned hard. Meddling, always, this isn't Scooby Doo.

I know for sure though, that even if I do end up back with you.. it'll be the same cycle, the same exact cycle. You'll like me till you get bored. 

Please just love her, and respect her. And let me be.

It's kind of just easier being the one no one wants to keep.

Letting go for dear life.

I hate being jealous of other people's happiness.

But I guess it's only at night, right?

11:11

I wish to stop hurting.
I wish for my heart to stop aching.
I wish this didn't happen.

It's a good thing we're two of the hardest people to read in the world.

I don't want you to exist anymore. i want you to go away. i wish this never happened. it's caused me to go insane. this isn't between you and me, this is a struggle with my own conscience simply inspired by you. if you just never happened this portion of my life would be so much easier. it's a constant fight to subtly get you to notice me. but no matter what, there's no prevail. i just never know, and i am going crazy and it's disgusting. i need to let go. i'm trying to let go. i need assistance.

I'm holding onto a ghost

I miss everything, and it's incredible because it felt so long. i miss everything about you. your stupid little quirks. your goofy smile. your frivolous antics. the dance parties in my room. your upbeat demeanor. your ability to smile in shitty situations. i want all of that. i want all of you. but you don't want me. and it kills me. i always want what i can't have. please want me again.

sometimes i just sit and wait, thinking maybe something will change.

maybe our feelings will be the same again.

i wait for a move to be made.

but i know i won’t make it, i want rejection to become a stranger to me.

and i know you won’t make it.

and so, i sit and wait.

what am i doing to myself.

this blog can't only be for sadness.
i think everything is going to be okay,
good even!

The love I sell you in the evening 
By the morning won't exist

I sort of feel like a sad puppy. Wandering and following you around. Hoping for you to change your mind. But who am I kidding. It's still not going to change anything. My parents don't understand it, my friends don't understand it, sage doesn't understand it, I understand it, but it doesn't make it hurt less. Such a loss.

premonition