my apologies, china

the more we talk
the taller i build the wall

the more i want to talk to you
the longer i build the wall

the closer we get to any reality
the thicker i build the wall

it's on its way to being bigger than china's
boy will they be jealous!

sixsixsix

one

Oh you were my number one, and I was yours. There were 3 years separating us and oh boy were we awkward. There was a schizophrenic Jamie Foxx before us when it happened. You schemed for ages and even tried asking me in "french" the second time because you knew I took it. But I became awful to you, and I finally started to feel weird about the age difference-- or at least that was the most viable excuse I could come up with. I kept my distance and you kept reaching out, even after a year passed us by. You were so sweet, and I took you for granted. It's a shame I didn't appreciate it until now. I think of you often, but now you're 300 miles away.

two 

You were the most peculiar of them all. Not quite quirky.. but I suppose more legitimately "weird". We were odd, and I'm still not convinced you ever liked me all that much. Your mother sure did though, and that's one of the biggest reasons I stuck around as long as I did. I think you liked sports and dogs more than you liked me anyway. But for the summer before, we had a cute fluffy camp romance, and it was sweet while it lasted. We kissed for the first time at the drive-in on a hot August night. Throughout our relationship I remember wishing you were a better kisser, but I wasn't any good either so I couldn't really complain. I wonder if you got better?

three 
In your mother's van. The same first as the last, even. You were everything new to me. And you held the first piece of my heart, and I feel like you'll always hold just a tiny piece no matter what. You were the first one I've really ever felt anything strongly for. You were first one I thought I loved and it was quite a rush. You taught me a lot about myself, and I'll admit.. both bad and good things. I wanted so much of you, but your head was like a steel cage that you never let me into at first. And once you did, I was stuck. A whirlwind of things happened in our time, some of it I completely vacuum seal away. I puppy-loved you, and it was unrequited. But I learned from that. 

four 

Spite. You were spite. I liked you for the wrong reasons, it was obvious though, considering how long it lasted. The day after "it" happened, you invited me and the friends I was with to dinner. We were never close before but from that day on we were. I was suspicious from the get-go though. But I wanted to try it, and I did. On your bed, watching UP, and then I knew it wasn't right. Time went by, poems were written, feelings got hurt. But we remained close throughout all of it.

five 
I have thousands of words written about you. In letter form, published to the internet, on the backs of receipts, in old notebooks, vanished from my wrists.. But I'm sure I can muster a few more. I fell in love with you so quickly. But I only let you know it once on accident. It slipped from my lips while we were driving home one night. Your eyes lit up and you squeezed me tight, and I tensed up from the mistake I thought I made. Our first couldn't have been lovelier. It was New Year’s Eve and we were up at Eagle's Crest because you've never been there before. The city lights were shimmering and there were fireworks, can you believe it? Fireworks! You made me hop on your back and ran down to a snowy covered bale of hay till we got too chilly and sat in your car and watched the stars from the sunroof. We drank Sunny D and ate cheezits, and watched the clock hit midnight. You looked at me and I looked at you and it just happened. Right as fireworks hit the sky. You said we were "gliding into the new year", and you made me smile. And the time we had from then on was good, until we just couldn't anymore. I think only fondly of you.

six
;) We'll see what happens from here..

Now,

Now is the time.

It's finally dawned on me.

And I feel almost blissful.

Today will be a beautiful day

And besides maybe now,
I will not think of you!
I will have nothing but high spirits all day and maybe even night, long.

All aboard

Now I get it, why it still tugs at me after so long. He was one of my best friends. We were legitimate amazing friends. It was a friendship. And those matter more to me than any relationship has. I lost a friend in it all. And that's why it still hurts

To move on,

You have to want to move on
I don't know if I want to yet

Everything is okay

Everything is going to be okay


Dare I say it?
I may have found a spark in somebody new.

By now

It's just the memory I miss.
I know better than to actually want you back, because everyone and their mother knows there is no chance for that. I'm not that naive. I just miss all the sweetness, and all the fun we had. I know it wouldn't be the same anymore. I just like to think about it all.
It makes me sad thinking that I won't find anyone I liked as much as you. You were different, and I liked that.  I just don't know if anyone can measure up to that.
And it sucks.
Who knows if I'd be a fan of who you are now, but I sure as hell miss who you were when it was us.

Your ghost makes me sadder than anything

lunar love

I want someone who will sing songs to the moon with me.
It's shining so bright tonight.

The tears are flowin'
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing
what am I doing

You come in waves

And I run to keep from cold feet

The frigid salty air shows no boundaries

And rapes these tender ears

Whispering poison 

Even when the tide settles

I do not

almost humbling

I long for a soul
Who no longer longs for I
What a feeling.

euphemism

Little forest south the way
No visitors for quite the days
No pain no love have you endured
For much too long and that I'm sure
Once your pal, is now in peace
Your river's flow has come to cease

Just ask me for my number already

Mmhm,

I'd like to linger

A little longer

I'd like to spend my time with you

And as the days go by

I'll think of you and sigh

This is good luck, but not goodbye

koala bear pt. 2

I miss you, but..
You're fading into a memory.
And that scares me a little bit, to be honest.
In desperate times, I think back to our rituals.
Look back at our videos, so I won't completely forget.
I remember our silly dances, I remember your bear smile, I remember the sweet music you once wrote for me, I remember the warmth of your protective embrace.
But I lost your smell, I lost the constellations on your back, and I have to dig deep just to remember the color of your eyes.
Sometimes I still come near crying at the thought of it all.
But for reasons unknown, I'm not able anymore.
Tears refuse to fall, even when I want them to.
Something tells me that it's a sign of indifference,
That I really might be done.
I think my body has decided that it has finished aching for you.
I wish my head could just get the memo.

Once you made me feel

And once it was so beautiful and so easy

I fell in love with a world in you

You're fun, I will give you that. But I've come to discover you're not substantial in my life anymore. It'll be "good seein' ya!' every time, but really that's it. I like that it's finally come to that. You're my game. It's fun. Maybe you'll be a game I play every once in a while. But if it all stopped, I would have no problem. I would go about living, maybe even restore some of my health. I would grow up and think about the eye blink, and it would all be fine. I don't know what you think, but it doesn't matter. I'm not about separate lives. And things are not so bad right now.

"I wish you were dead"

That's been replaying in my head all morning long.
It's weird because you were the one crying this time.
And for some reason I stayed completely calm, because I understood.
But at the same time, I don't.
We were at a wedding, or maybe an outdoor divorce court.
But it was hard.
But we both understood.
I don't wish you were dead.
I hope that's true for you too.

Winter's soundtrack

Winter's soundtrack is animal collective, bad movies, cul-de-sacs, fox hollow, dancing in my room, avoiding your hands, eskimo kisses, and witty banter.

koala bear,

Oh the shivers you once brought me.
I wonder if they'll return on tomorrow's arrival?

If things don't get in the way..

I could see this maybe turning into something. Because, well... why not? It's lasted over a year, and we get along so well. I could see it being easy. I could see it being a lot of fun. Maybe you will be my summer 2011.

That is, like I said, if nothing gets in the way first.

I sent you a picture of tom murphy

and a whole bunch of feathers.
i wrote your name in rainbow.

i hope you 'get it' too

Oh no, my feelings are more important than yours

Fading

My summer scars are finally fading. Blending into the edges, they're just barely visible. Past hurt reaching point of disappearance. Almost forgotten. That skinned knee in the pool and all those blows to my heart. Evidence of blistering heat and sharp tongues still remain proving once reality. But time heals, and the months have made once-open wounds nearly smooth. That season of easy bruising brought me to thicker skin.

pre-marsupial heart identity

Without fail, each late night I lay awake squinting from the blinding light. My guard comes down, my clenched fist loosens & once again promises and inhibitions tumble to the floor. The same beautiful thoughts start dancing through my head, as well as the sinful potential.  Daring me to risk all my hard work. And without the calluses I built up on my heart.. I would be putty. A goner; spilling my soul for nothing. Two am, i'm ready to burst with every pent up feeling I have in me. But I ache, weary and shaking, And finally thrust into the abyss. Always mere seconds from my breaking point. Leaving my pathetic confessions on the tips of my thumbs.

And as daylight breaks, relief and regret strike simultaneously. Leaving me with perpetual "what if's" and a heavy heart.

and this is my thank you

You were an unexpected blessing. Sunshine on the darkest of days. You were the epitome of comfort and safety, contentment and bliss. For the time I had you, you were my escape from reality. I was taught the beauty of appreciating the normally inappreciable. With you, I fell into different dimensions and shared tight embrace with the alternate floor. It comes back every now and then, and I smile in remembrance.

This is my thank you.

running down to the garden barefoot just isn't the same when there's clouds about

I sometimes wish I could go back to mid-December, when my whole life was a roller coaster. I was full of adrenaline and endorphins. It was all so exciting and new, and all my bad thoughts were completely gone. It was an eager time, it was a learning process, and it was a period of discovery. I learned that there was so much more out there. That I wasn't confined anymore. That this was all a blessing.

I would like to relive mid-December again soon, if possible.

I am too hormonal for memories

Goodbye and good riddance,

I am a happy girl!
And I don't need any boy to make me that way.
Not one soul.